his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
