I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Come share oat with me in your robe
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
