the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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