So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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