Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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