You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
It's Friday. Sex?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
