My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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