She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
