I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
