So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I wish I only lived at night.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize