I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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