She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
