i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
