I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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