I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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