I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
