from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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