Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
