Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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