It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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