dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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