we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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