The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
