Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
