The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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