Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
