shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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