ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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