oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
