All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
