We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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