she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
