I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
