Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
