don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Your cock deserves a montage
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
