i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize