so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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