that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
