Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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