She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
