The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize
