I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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