She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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