and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
