The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
