Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
