I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
