dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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