I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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