I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Randomize