That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
