When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
