Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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