Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i need some magic done to my vagina
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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