Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We are all done wearing pants today
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
