On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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