It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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